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Undefined - " What am I to you ? "

I sat alone, sun bathing on top of a bucket with my thoughts all over the place and a cigarette in my hand, a bad habit I had picked up a few weeks ago.

Cigarettes had become my new vice now, they calmed me down in this emotion storm I had suddenly found myself in.

I had so much I wanted to say, I wish I could scream out to the world but I could not find the strength to do so. Afraid that if I let it all out, I could go back to that dark place I had sworn I never wanted to go back to. The last time it had not been so easy to wake up from that dream. I had scared half of my friends to death with the suicidal thoughts.

I could not bear seeing them go through that once again. Having watched them carry my burdens last time, this time around I was going to confront my demons alone or at least try.

Precisely, two years of pretending that I did not know.

Two years of being in an abyss of self-pretense. No one knew if I was ok, they didn’t know what I was going through.

I simply flashed a smile every time they asked me if I was ok. I had mastered it, I had become queen of, 'I am fine' but deep down I knew I was lying to myself, deep down I knew I was suffering.

I always had this niggle in my head; I wanted to ask him what I was in his life. I wanted to him define this so called friendship. What did it mean to him? Did he care about me? Was he just using me? All these questions kept on spinning in my brain.

Everything had happened so fast.

Fresh from a heart-break, I had found myself back again on the horse, galloping into lala-land with this amazing young man who had lit up my world, he had made forget or should I say ignore my ugly past.

At first it was fun as it’, of course it was our first days. We were living in our own bubble, no one could touch us, and we were Bonnie and Clyde, enjoying the mystery.

Unfortunately, my demons had been persistent; they had given me false hope. Just when I thought I had conquered my demons, they begun to creep in and slowly I began again to wonder who I was in his life.

We had been together for such a long time. He called me all kind of nice names, babe, sweetie and honey once in a while but still we were not defined… A girl could not stop wondering!

In my head he was the one, the sex was amazing, the conversations were out of this world and he just understood me like no other man had. He brought out things buried deep within me I did not even know.

Even as it was like that I was unsure what place I had in his life.

He never spoke of the future and when he did it was vague. It sounded like he had a future with someone else other than me but I never asked because in my head he was my future.

Until one night, that one night changed everything. I finally gathered the courage to ask him. I was a bit hesitant at first but had missed my period and had been sick every morning. Ladies I am sure if you have been through this before then you know where this story is heading.

I waited till we made love, with my head rested on his chest. I simply asked him, 'What am I to you?"

He sniggered, took his hands placed them on my face and made me look at him and he simply said, "Where is this coming from?" My heart sank.

"Well I just want to know. We have been having sex the last couple of months, sometimes protected and sometimes not and if anything is to happen what would we do?"

"Like you getting pregnant?" He asked in a truncated tenor.

"Yes like me getting pregnant.'" I answered.

What came soon after was a barrage of not what I had expected or envisioned. I was drawn back to the very same place where I had been before. That dark consuming place filled with anxiety, anger, self-pity, shame and hate.

He simply said, "Well if you are to get a baby I would take care of it. It's not like I can marry you or anything. You are too old for me. What would people say?

"Besides it’s not like we are even in a relationship."

How many other women out there are going through the same thing?

How many other women are brave enough to share the stories?

I ask myself,

Let that brew, let it marinate.



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